a story...

I know this post has been a long time in coming. I've actually had several people email me and ask what's going on, and why I haven't posted! It's at least a little bit encouraging that a couple people notice! :) Anyway, for all 2 of my loyal blog followers, I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with it! I'll get better, I promise!

"What's going on in her life that she's so cryptic about?" You're probably wondering to yourself. Let me share a story, and then I'll get to that cryptic part...

**step back with me about 22 1/2 years....

Into the life of a spunky, brunette, hazel-eyed girl about 23 years old. She was in a relationship with a guy quite a few years older than her, she loved him, but they had had their ups and downs, and didn't believe she could ever marry him. While working at REI, and living with her mom and sister, she found out that she was pregnant. The realization that she had not the time, the money, or the opportunities to care for a child hit hard. Her decision to give the baby up for adoption was, although difficult, a courageous one. She read dozens of files on prospective parents...each one containing a couple that were praying God would choose them to parent the child of someone else. Each file represented love, and kindness, and family, but most importantly, God. Slowly, the files were narrowed down to half a dozen, then 3. Each of these couples were interviewed by the girl. One couple seemed off, the father-to-be was a little strange, and while she couldn't put her finger on it, she just didn't believe they would make the best parents for her child. The next couple was...interesting. Again, something was off. (she found out later that they were divorced shortly after she met them.) And again, she decided they probably wouldn't make the best parents for her little one. Which brings us to the 3rd couple. After being married for 10(ish) years, and through years of frustrations, and pain of not being able to have children, this couple seemed right. They loved the Lord, and were starving for the opportunity to bring a child into their home. Couple number 3 were the people the girl entrusted with her childs' life. Over the course of the next few months the girl and the couple bonded over the baby that was growing inside her. September 24, 1986 that baby was born into the arms of her adoptive parents. While the girl (and the biological father) knew she was making the right decision, it was painful to let go of something to which she had grown so attached. She gave photographs of herself to the couple, as well as a letter that she wrote to the little girl that was now this couples daughter.

As the baby grew and molded into this new family she fit perfectly. As years passed, she always knew she was special...different. She knew that God had chosen these people to parent her, even though they weren't related by blood. There was never a sit-down, heart-to-heart, that the child remembered, about being adopted. It was just part of who she was, a part of her story. The curiosity about her birthparents grew with her age, and in 6th grade, she was given the photos and letter from her birthmother. It was emotional, even at so young an age, to realize that it was such a gift of love to be given to someone else. That was the first time it really sank in that she was so loved. Years passed, and the pull to know her origins became stronger. When she turned 18 she wanted to pour her heart and soul into finding her parents, especially her mother. She became so overwhelmed with all the ways to find someone, and everything that went with the search that she dropped it. Afraid of what the results might turn up. "What if she was resented by her birth-parents?" "What if...?" questions ran through her mind daily. And while occasionally she would make a feeble attempt to locate them, the search was delayed indefinitely.

One day, the first week in March 2008, on myspace (of all places), she received a note from someone claiming to be her birthmother. WHAT?!? Could it REALLY be true? Was it someone just playing a joke? The emotions running through her mind would not slow down enough for her to sort them, they just sort of rushed through in one great big river. "What if it really was her?" "What if that insatiable quest to know where she came from actually found her?" After a few emails with details that only an authentic person could know, she was convinced. It was her. The tears, and the nervousness, and the excitement all began to descend on the young girl as she realized that the scene that was unfolding before her was reality. A reality that had been long dreamt about....

------------CUT!!!--------------------

Seriously? This is craziness, right? Like Hollywood style? No. Its a very real story. In fact, (if you haven't figured it out) it's my story. I am the baby that was adopted. My parents are couple number 3. And my birthmother is Jennifer Erwin. We exchanged emails over the course of a month and a half, and on Tuesday, April 15th, we met face to face at the San Juan Capistrano train station. My quirks now have an origin! I can blame her for the fact that I was SUCH a tom-boy growing up! :) (love you jen!) AND that I have such a love for all things critters and creepy crawlies! And my stubbornness and love of guitar music, etc...etc...etc...Even down to the fact that every time I pass a motorcycle, I follow it with my head. (that may have to do with the fact that she rode one until she was 7 months with me!) It was an incredible experience. Most kids look at their parents and can say, "oh, I picked up this from that parent's side," or "I hope I don't have that gene..." Or whatever the case may be. And while I inherited more qualities, and traits than I can list from my parents, there has been something so amazingly fulfilling about knowing that I still do share things with the woman who had me.

my whole life there has only been one person I have really cared to meet. most people want cross paths with celebrities, and or imaginary superheroes, or someone like that. While all those would be wonderful, there is only one person that could possibly have made enough of an impact on my life for me to think about her daily. Jennifer is my hero. Not because I believe she's "god-like," or perfect, nor do I truly have her on a pedestal. But I cannot imagine being so unselfish as to give your own child a life better than you can provide. There is only one greater love that I know...

My parents are amazing. They have helped me grow up to be a woman of God with a firm foundation in all that is right. I'm not perfect, and we don't always see eye-to-eye (in fact, most often we don't), but I love them with all of my heart. And although I have begun a new chapter in life...with future stuff, and work, and of course, Jennifer...They still are, and will always be my parents. My Mom and Daddy. The ones who have loved me, and provided for me, and cared for me above and beyond the best of their abilities. And for that I am eternally grateful!

God is amazing. The way He has designed the intricacies of life (regardless of whether of not you believe He has EVERY SINGLE MOMENT planned out for you) astounds me. The timing, and the mastery of it all is just one more testament to His sovereignty.
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That was it.... the big, long awaited news. And while for some of you, it may hold no relevance or context, it has been a huge thing in my life, and I wanted to share. :) If anyone has any questions, feel free to leave a comment! I'd love to share!

There are many more exciting things going on these days, and I cannot wait to share those too, but that will have to be another night.

Sweet Dreams all.

...trying to sleep...but to no avail

...it's 4:30 am and I am sitting in bed dog-tired, but still wide awake at the same time. I've been trying to sleep for the last 4 hours. At first, when that wasn't working, I tried working on homework - couldn't concentrate. So I succumbed to re-reading a novel that is written with mediocrity (as far as well-written novels go), but a story that is singed in my memory. Reedeming Love by Francine Rivers is the incredible story of the faith of the Biblical character, Hosea. The fictitious characters of Micheal Hosea and Angel are direct allusions to the love story of Hosea and the prostitute, Gomer. It is incredible to me how a man can have that much passion and true desire for a woman whose past is anything but desirable. Francine Rivers' interpretation, and delivery of this story is truly breath-taking, scratch that...life-changing. (Not to mention addicting! I'm about 200 pages into it, after starting tonight!) God is so very much like His character, Hosea. No matter how broken, or dirty our pasts are...He loves us with the depth of the oceans. No matter how many times we anger Him, or frustrate Him, or even leave Him...He is there to welcome us back into His arms of redemption and peace, and unconditional love.
It can be truly maddening to know that our Father is willing to take us back after all the crap we've created, or been through, without any sort of debt to Him. Everything has price...right?
WRONG!
As long as we are honest and repentive and seeking, He will guide our every step without so much as an expectance of payment. Well, besides the constant abiding by His rules, and trusting Him. (Both of those can be difficult at times, but thankfully He's the forgiving type...as in unlimited amounts of forgiving!!! How cool is that?!)

Anyway, my book...I was writing about my book. :) Ah, yes...Katie reminded me of this book last week, and although I had read it before, I suddenly had a longing to re-read this story of faith, and unconditional love. It is impossible for me to fathom a man that could trust God, and be as obedient and observant of His still small voice, as this man does. The character in the novel is far from perfect, as we all are, but he has what I have seemed to lack these last few years...an insatiable hunger to hear God's voice. I envy him for that!!! Can you imagine envying a fictitious character in a novel?!? How very strange!

But in all honesty, that is something that I have lacked as of late. It seems that I have forgotten how to simply listen. If I am not besieging Him with my "wants" and "needs," I am generally asking Him to help others, or asking Him to speak to me. But I have come to the realization tonight (it started @ Reality during worship) that I am so busy asking for His input...I never seem to find the stillness in which I can merely just listen for it! Remember those quiet times after chapel at church camps (usually in the mountains) when we were younger? "okay kids...go have quiet time....meet back up with your group when the bell rings...don't go into cabins, don't sleep, don't socialize...etc etc etc." We would all scatter off to our various nooks and corners within the camp boundaries with our Bibles and notepads as if we truly understood what it meant to "BE STILL AND LISTEN," wishing we could just have more free time, and wondering how long til our half hour was up. I usually wound up hiking around up the hill a ways, no sounds but the sticks and pine needles crunching under my feet, and the birds squawking at each other, slicing through the otherwise silent cool air. Thinking back on it now, though, those were probably some of the times that I have been closest to my Father. No, I may not have known what I was listening for, but I can recall emotions rising inside me that I have rarely felt since. I wish I were more like that on a daily basis. More like Hosea. His ability to hear God's voice, even despite the physical temptations raging within him, combined with Britt's message, is the most substantial encouragement I've heard in a long time.

So thank you Katie...for reminding me of this incredible love story that I long to live out in my own life. And, more importantly, thank you Jesus, for being the center of that story.

Heavenly Father, your words to Michael Hosea stand out even to me God. I pray that You daily remind me to take time out to listen to what You have to say. I pray that I am quiet enough, long enough to hear Your desires, and hopes for my life. God, may You be all I desire to please. Thank you for Your unconditional forgiveness, Your deep passion for my life, and most importantly, Your Redeeming Love. I love you Lord. It is as simple as that. And I pray that I can honor You with everything in me.
~insatiably Yours....your daughter

...God, keep me seeking after You...

Do you ever meet someone, and the first time you really hang out....the moment you sit down together...you know that you could be awesome friends? That happened to me today! :) I'm so excited to become better friends with Katie Grace Clay! Lately, I've really been missing the connections of some of those solid Christian friendships that I used to have. It is definitely one aspect of my life that I cannot wait to grow when I move from Brooks. Anyway, Katie is a few years older than I and I truly admire her. She seems so completely grounded in her faith, and so devoted to Christ. I can't help but feel how much I've strayed from that since I moved up to Brooks. I miss that constant contact that I used to have with people whose lives were devoted entirely to serving the Lord. I pray that I can become that person again.
I digress...anyway...I absolutely love Katie!! she's a total sweetheart! With a wonderful heart and an awesome personality! She is most certainly an excellent encouragement! i cannot wait to hang out with her more often and create a tight bond!!

thanks for being an inspiration katie! :)

passivity doesn't fly...

I was sitting in church this morning Reality Carpinteria, when Britt's message (our pastor) hit home. He was speaking about the river Jordan...how it is used symbolically (as our sin) and literally (as an impassible body of water). He explained that the second generation of Israelites had to have faith that God would fulfill his promise to deliver them, and had to "get their feet wet" on the bank of the Jordan in order to prove their faith in Him. And thats really how it is in life, even today. We HAVE to trust that God will help us get through any issue we may be having, spiritual, or otherwise, but we have to take the first step of faith. We have to "get our feet wet." God asks us to readily prove our faith! Its hard to have that much faith...no doubt! It's especially hard when real life is quickly approaching me; a career needs to be launched, and I actually have to start dealing with all the financial issues of living in such a wonderful area, the boy and I need to make plans O: )...just everything, ya know? I am constantly reminding myself that I need to take a step, in order for God to part the waters so I can cross...

I guess I'm not trying to get all philosophical on everyone...just thinking about how good God truly is. But we are required to be active, not passive in our a faith.

Here is the Reailty Message Feb 25, 2007...if you care to listen...its about an hour...and well worth it.

thanks for being my sounding board!